While staying in the Mareeba region, I met a lovely couple Mike and Ruth, who spontaneously shared the touching story of their child who stayed for the briefest of moments upon this planet but changed their world forever.
The year was 1966, a time when the natural bond between parents and their newborns, was not honoured with due reverence. Ruth and Mike were a young couple living in Devon, England. Ruth was only 19 and Mike just a year older, and they were expecting their first child. The birth was premature as there were complications, the little baby boy had spina bifida, leaving his spinal cord exposed and the prognosis was that he would not live long.
He was given the name Simon.
Being so young and impressionable, they had no choice but to surrender to the doctors' decision to place him in another hospital with an incubator. They were advised to have minimal contact and not get attached.
The medical advice had a certain impact, though neither Ruth nor Mike could obey this counsel fully. At that time, mothers who had just given birth were expected to remain in hospital for a 9 day "lying in" period. Ruth had to watch while babies were brought to the other mothers for feeding times and be reminded of the painful truth of her beloved boy. She would hide her tears behind a newspaper whilst the other mothers and babies lovingly bonded.
There can be no crueler torment than the separation of parent and child. The practice of presuming that parents would get over the loss of their child was, and still is, a travesty that has traumatised innumerable people worldwide.
Ruth eventually could take no more of the torture of being separated from Simon and organised an early discharge from the hospital. As soon as she was discharged, she immediately went to be with her little boy to hold him for the first time.
I can only imagine the overwhelming feelings Ruth and Mike would have experienced, cradling their darling baby boy for the briefest of moments and added to this, he would soon be dead...
Again, hospital staff strongly urged Mike and Ruth to seek as little contact with Simon as possible. While on one hand they followed their hearts' desire to be with him, they were also unduly influenced against their will.
Simon was born on 7th October and died 19 days later on the 26th October. They were advised to not take photos of him, nor be with his body after he died, not even to attend their own son's funeral!
In a perfect world, they would have been duly supported in the entire process and be respected in their grief, but instead both Ruth and Mike have had to live with a trauma that has never been allowed to heal fully.
Ruth has come to a certain space of peace with what happened, by just accepting that one cannot change the past and recognising that this occurred during an era where such events were relatively common. These young parents did the best they could, given the circumstances.
Mike, however, has never healed his pain, wishing, against all odds, that he could have made different choices and that their experience could have played out differently. He still carries the burden of their incomprehensible loss.
Their story touched me so deeply, as it relates so closely to my adoption experience in 1968. What speaks the loudest from Mike and Ruth's souls, is that the love of parent and child, never dies. It is a life bond that needs to be nurtured and acknowledged, no matter the longevity of its lifespan.
The year was 1966, a time when the natural bond between parents and their newborns, was not honoured with due reverence. Ruth and Mike were a young couple living in Devon, England. Ruth was only 19 and Mike just a year older, and they were expecting their first child. The birth was premature as there were complications, the little baby boy had spina bifida, leaving his spinal cord exposed and the prognosis was that he would not live long.
He was given the name Simon.
Being so young and impressionable, they had no choice but to surrender to the doctors' decision to place him in another hospital with an incubator. They were advised to have minimal contact and not get attached.
The medical advice had a certain impact, though neither Ruth nor Mike could obey this counsel fully. At that time, mothers who had just given birth were expected to remain in hospital for a 9 day "lying in" period. Ruth had to watch while babies were brought to the other mothers for feeding times and be reminded of the painful truth of her beloved boy. She would hide her tears behind a newspaper whilst the other mothers and babies lovingly bonded.
There can be no crueler torment than the separation of parent and child. The practice of presuming that parents would get over the loss of their child was, and still is, a travesty that has traumatised innumerable people worldwide.
Ruth eventually could take no more of the torture of being separated from Simon and organised an early discharge from the hospital. As soon as she was discharged, she immediately went to be with her little boy to hold him for the first time.
I can only imagine the overwhelming feelings Ruth and Mike would have experienced, cradling their darling baby boy for the briefest of moments and added to this, he would soon be dead...
Again, hospital staff strongly urged Mike and Ruth to seek as little contact with Simon as possible. While on one hand they followed their hearts' desire to be with him, they were also unduly influenced against their will.
Simon was born on 7th October and died 19 days later on the 26th October. They were advised to not take photos of him, nor be with his body after he died, not even to attend their own son's funeral!
In a perfect world, they would have been duly supported in the entire process and be respected in their grief, but instead both Ruth and Mike have had to live with a trauma that has never been allowed to heal fully.
Ruth has come to a certain space of peace with what happened, by just accepting that one cannot change the past and recognising that this occurred during an era where such events were relatively common. These young parents did the best they could, given the circumstances.
Mike, however, has never healed his pain, wishing, against all odds, that he could have made different choices and that their experience could have played out differently. He still carries the burden of their incomprehensible loss.
Their story touched me so deeply, as it relates so closely to my adoption experience in 1968. What speaks the loudest from Mike and Ruth's souls, is that the love of parent and child, never dies. It is a life bond that needs to be nurtured and acknowledged, no matter the longevity of its lifespan.
